


Cough Syrup

by Heckyheck_Icravedeath



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: :(, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crying, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I literally don't know why I keep creating these, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry Peter, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, You don't deserve this, i'm a monster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:17:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heckyheck_Icravedeath/pseuds/Heckyheck_Icravedeath
Summary: Peter knew there was going to be an argument. It was an easy assumption actually since a few days ago he had been hurt rather badly and whenever he got hurt Tony would lecture him about being careful and whatnot. And then adding the fact of Peter having a shitty day putting him in a bad mood. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise. He was in a bad mood and had shitty days a lot. So yeah, an argument was going to happen and it was pretty much unavoidable.It was almost instant.He walked in the doors, and Tony was sitting there with a clearly annoyed face. Some concern was there as it always was, but mostly annoyance. That was his usual expression when he was about to lecture. “So care to tell me what the hell you were thinking?”





	Cough Syrup

Peter knew there was going to be an argument. It was an easy assumption actually since a few days ago he had been hurt rather badly and whenever he got hurt Tony would lecture him about being careful and whatnot. And then adding the fact of Peter having a shitty day putting him in a bad mood. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise. He was in a bad mood and had shitty days a lot. So yeah, an argument was going to happen and it was pretty much unavoidable. 

It was almost instant. 

He walked in the doors, and Tony was sitting there with a clearly annoyed face. Some concern was there as it always was, but mostly annoyance. That was his usual expression when he was about to lecture. “So care to tell me what the hell you were thinking?” 

“About what?” Peter decided to play dumb. He didn’t feel like addressing the problem. He was tired. 

“Oh come on. Don’t play dumb with me kid. You know damn well what I’m talking about.” Tony folded his arms across his chest and stared Peter down. 

“I don’t think I do.” Peter threw his backpack to the side and plopped down in a chair a few feet away from Tony. He went to grab a screwdriver to have something in his hand to distract him, but Tony beat him to it and grabbed the tool. 

“ _Peter_.” 

“ _What?_ ” He didn’t mean for that to come out as rudely as it did, but he didn’t really care at that point. He just wanted to work and settle into the comfortable atmosphere that they always created. He just wanted to get lost in his suit and forget about his life and school and Flash with his stupid jabs that weren’t so stupid anymore because they were starting to get to Peter. He was starting to believe those things that were said to him, and he was starting to hate himself more than he usually did. It was becoming more of a problem and he wasn’t sure how to stop it. Ignoring it was not doing its job all that well anymore. 

Tony made a face. “Drop the attitude. I’m not in the mood for-” 

“Yeah and I’m not in the mood for this conversation so maybe we should drop it.” Peter snapped and glared at his mentor. That was the wrong thing to say, and he knew it, but the not caring feeling sat heavily in his chest. 

“Listen kid I don’t care if you’re in the mood for this conversation or not because it needs to be addressed. So I suggest you suck it up and talk because I want an explanation as to why you almost got yourself killed on patrol.” Tony glared right back. He wasn’t going to back down. Of course he wasn’t. He was one of the most stubborn people on Earth. Peter knew that. And yet he kept going with the attitude. 

_The uncalled for attitude_. 

Peter had a habit of bottling up his emotions and then letting them out on people who didn’t deserve it and that’s what was happening. 

“I didn’t mean to. I was just being stupid.” There was more to it than that, but it was something that Tony didn’t need to know. 

“You can’t _just be stupid_ Peter! This is serious. You’re a _superhero_. It’s a serious job.” 

“ _I know_.” Peter knew. He knew damn well it was a serious job. He had known that ever since Ben had died in his arms. 

“Well clearly you don’t if you’re _just being stupid_.” 

“Jesus Christ I’m sorry for being stupid and careless okay? Can you leave me the hell alone now??” He didn’t need this lecture. He had gotten it one too many times. 

“”No, I can’t just leave you the hell alone.”

“Why not?!” 

“Because you could end up dying one of these times if you aren’t more careful!” He didn’t care. That was the thing. He honestly couldn't care less whether he lived or died. It's not like anyone actually wanted him around (Flash put that one in his head). Plus life wasn’t fun anyway. It wasn’t butterflies and rainbows. It was more like clouds and rain. There were no good days. There was never at least an okay day. There was always a bad or terrible or absolutely horrendous day. _Things were never okay_. 

“I won’t _die_ Mr. Stark. Maybe get banged up or whatever, but I’m not stupid enough to get myself killed.” That was a lie. But also not because it wouldn’t be in a stupid way. It would be in a purposeful way. It would be in the suicidal way. 

“You say that and yet I doubt it.” 

“Wow you doubt me-”

“I doubt your _word_.” Tony interrupted with a frown etched on his face. “I see how you are on patrol. Peter, you don’t seem to care about your safety at all.” _Yeah ‘cause I don’t_. He almost said, but managed to stop himself. 

“I _do_ care. I’m just tired okay? _Tired_. I barely get sleep and school is stressful. That’s it. _Sorry_ that I’m not on my A game when I’m on patrol.” He rolled his eyes and looked away from Tony. He turned his gaze to the far-right wall instead. 

“What is with you? You’re being an ass.” 

“And you think you aren’t?” Peter shot right back, pulling his eyes back to Tony. 

“No actually. I’m not. I’m just trying to look out for you.” 

“Well you don’t need to. You’re not my dad.” As soon as the words left his mouth regret washed over him. He really hadn’t intended to say that. That was something that he never wanted to say because it wasn’t true. Tony _was_ essentially his dad. They did father son things. They acted like father and son with all their dumb inside jokes. Tony showered Peter with massive amounts of affection like hair ruffling and forehead kisses and hugs. The _many_ hugs. Those hugs were his favorite, and he was pretty sure that he was never going to get one again because of what he said. 

The most hurt expression flashed across Tony’s face, but then it disappeared. Almost as if he didn’t want Peter to know how much those words had hurt him. Then he said “I know I’m not, but that doesn’t make me care about you any less.” His tone was different, and Peter wanted to punch himself in the face. “And because I care about you, I think you should take a break from Spider-Man and focus on yourself.” 

Suddenly, Peter didn’t feel like shit about what he said anymore. 

“What? No.” 

“Yes.” 

“I said _no_.” 

“I don’t care. You need a break.” 

“No I don’t. You can think that, but it’s not true. Being Spider-Man is the only thing keeping me sane.” It was true. Swinging through the city and saving people brought him joy. It got his mind off things. It made life somewhat bearable. 

“You literally said not too long ago that you were tired, and that’s why you haven’t been on top of patrolling.” 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter. I’m not taking a break. I’m fine. It’ll be fine.” 

“Yeah it’s fine when you almost get killed right.” 

“Are you kidding me? You’re in life or death situations like every other day and that’s okay, but it’s not for me?” 

“I’m an adult. You’re a kid. There is a difference here.” 

“ _Seriously?_ ” Peter was glaring again. This was ridiculous. One hundred percent ridiculous. 

“Yes seriously.” Tony rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. 

“I can’t stand you.” Peter spit out while crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Oh goodie. Peter Parker can’t stand me. Should I add that to the list of all the other people who can’t stand me?” 

“I take it back. I _hate_ you.” He felt guilty for saying that, but only a little. The rest of him was filled with anger. 

Tony seemed to be dealing with it different. Sure he looked mad, but more hurt was present in his face than anger. Yet he still said “Would you look at that. He _hates_ me. _Wow_. He _hates_ me because I worry about him getting himself killed. Goddamnit, I’m such an ass for worrying about that-” 

“Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe I want to fucking die?!” Peter yelled with tears in the corners of his eyes. “Or no!? Do you just assume that I’m happy, and everything is picture perfect?!” 

The room fell silent. 

Tony stared at Peter with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Peter stared back with the same wide eyes, but his mouth was shut tightly. He had actually said that out loud. _God fucking damnit_. He was absolutely _screwed_ now. 

No one else knew. Peter had hidden it because he didn’t want to worry anyone. Although he was sure he did that anyway. Ned and MJ always asked how he was doing and they always seemed to ask him to hang out when they knew he would be home alone. He was pretty sure the second part was May’s doing. She worried about him a whole lot, and she monitored him like a hawk ever since that one time. 

That one time being when she found him with an empty bottle of pills next to his curled up, almost dead self. She had rushed him to the hospital in hysterics. She had not left his side until they cleared him to go home which hadn’t been for a week because they needed to make sure that he wouldn’t try something like that again. She had forced him to sit down and talk about it with her as soon as they were home. He had trouble, but managed to tell her all of it. She had begged him to see a therapist because she couldn’t lose him. He was all she had left. He knew he was. Ever since Ben they only had each other. He had agreed for that reason. And because he did want to get help. He hated feeling that way. It felt like he was drowning and no matter how hard he tried he could never break through the surface to breathe. 

The therapist didn’t quite work. She said things like “It _will_ get better. You just need to push through.” And “I know it’s hard, but you can do it.” And “You need to ignore the taunts and insults. Just focus on you and the positives of yourself and life.” It was easy advice to give. Anyone could say that to him. And it was shitty advice. You can’t tell someone who is suicidal and depressed that it’ll get better and expect them to believe it right away and become happy. You can’t expect them to follow the advice ‘just focus on the positives’ when they felt like there weren’t any. It didn’t work like that and his therapist didn’t seem to understand that. Peter told May and she pulled him out of there. She tried to get him to see another, but he refused. He bet they were all the same. 

As much as she didn’t want to accept his refusal, she did. Although that’s when she started getting him out more, so he wasn’t home alone. She didn’t trust him to be alone and in all honesty he didn’t blame her. He didn’t even trust himself to be alone. 

He went out as Spider-Man more and more because May counted that as being out and that’s when the carelessness started to come in. He would go slower when dodging bullets or knives. He would say _really_ dumb comment and jokes just to piss criminals off more to try and get them to injure him. He would web sling extremely high and then drop and save himself in the last second. 

Apparently Tony had started to notice the Spider-Man things which bothered Peter. It meant that Tony kind of knew about him and his death wish. It meant that Tony had a _suspicion_ and Peter — because he didn’t know how to shut his mouth — just confirmed that. 

“Peter _what?_ ” Tony finally broke the silence. Peter wished that he hadn’t. He had this talk with May, and that was hard. How the hell was he supposed to have this talk with _Tony Stark_?

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. It doesn’t matter.” He looked at the ground and tried to act like he didn’t care. It was the only thing he could think to do. 

“Uh yeah, it _does_ matter.” 

“Not really.” 

“I’m not going to argue with you on this. Can you please just talk to me?” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“Peter. You can’t just say that and not tell me what the fuck is going on.” Tony gazed at him pleadingly and with so much concern. It hurt Peter’s heart. Why did he have to worry everyone? Why did he have to be so abnormal? 

“A lot is going on.” He admitted softly. “School’s hard. I get so much shit for just existing. I try to ignore it, but no one shuts up. It’s everyday in my face about some little thing that gets turned into a big thing. I’ve started to believe some of the things and I’m so hard on myself now. I give _myself_ shit now. So it’s at school _and_ at home. It’s real bad, and I don’t know what to do.” He wiped at his cheek which was sporting a couple of tears. “And on top of that I just don’t like living. I have like two friends who actually care about me. But I make myself think that they don’t care about me. I make myself think that I’m all I’ve got. I miss Ben and my parents. I know I didn’t know them that well, but I know they were good parents. May’s told me that. Ben used to too. He was amazing. You would’ve loved him. He was the best person I knew, and I went and…

“I went and got him killed. It was my fault. And that’s just the truth. I was being dumb and only thinking of myself and then he died. I hate living with that guilt, but I can’t get it to go away. It’s always there. Especially when his death date comes around each year. I can’t fucking escape it. I also can’t escape my self hate. It’s like everything I do I find some way to make it so that I don’t think I’m good enough for it. Like Spider-Man. I’m not good enough for that. I don’t always save people. And sometimes I’m the reason people don’t get saved. Someone else could do it better than me. I know that for a fact. I also know that I don’t deserve you. You are literally the best thing that has happened to me, and I do this; act like an ass because I’m hurting. I treat you like shit when all you want to do is give me advice and look out for me. What kind of person does that? A shitty one. Someone else wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t be stupid like me. 

“I’m not good enough for May either. She bends over backwards for me all the time. She is so understanding and sweet and the best person on this planet. And I don’t act like I appreciate her. I do the same thing that I do with you. I take out my pain on her, and she doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to be happy not stressed because she has to worry about me and my emotions and making money for me and whatnot. Someone else would treat her like how she deserves. Someone else wouldn’t try and kill themselves and let her find them almost dead on the ground in the bathroom. Someone else wouldn’t have her sit in the hospital for a goddamn week because of it. Someone else wouldn’t have to go to therapy every week because of it. Someone else wouldn’t fail at that therapy and quit it leaving her wondering what the hell she was going to do. Someone else wouldn’t make her worry every time they were alone which results in her calling every thirty minutes. 

“Someone else wouldn’t have to lie to everyone and say that they had the flu instead of telling them that they tried to kill themselves and adding that stress onto her because she would have to worry about what to say if someone found out. Someone else wouldn’t be as abnormal and give her a life she didn’t want.” Peter had started crying somewhere in that rant. There was a small puddle of tears underneath him. Tony was staring at him with the saddest look and he looked as though he was going to cry too. He didn’t look like he was going to interrupt though, so Peter kept talking. “I wish I was someone else. I wish I could live a life where I wasn’t such a fuck up. A life where I didn't ruin other people's lives. A life where people liked me and _I_ liked me. But that won’t happen. I’m stuck with this, and I fucking hate it. The only way out would be death. And I’ve tried it one way before. Didn’t work. May found me. I lived. I knew I couldn’t do it like how I did before. I started doing shit as Spider-Man. Being dumb on patrol. Hoping that someone would just shoot me or stab me and let me die, but no. It never happened. And you started to notice it and then called me out and here we are.” 

It was quiet for a moment and then Tony came up and wrapped his arms around Peter. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for not noticing. I’m sorry for always lecturing you and all that. I’m just so sorry.” Peter let out a sob and buried his face in Tony’s shoulder. 

“No, _I’m_ sorry.” 

“Do _not_ apologize to me. I will _not_ listen if you do.” 

“But I said I hated you. And that I couldn’t stand you. And I was just an ass.” 

“It’s okay. I know you. You didn’t mean any of that.” Tony pressed a kiss to Peter’s head. “But that’s not the important thing. The important thing is why did you never say anything? I would’ve listened. I would’ve done something to help. I mean Jesus. You’ve been holding all that in and just...you know you can tell me anything. I’ll always listen. You mean the _world_ to me kid.” 

“I was scared. I didn’t want to be judged. Plus you have enough shit. You don’t need me and my dumb problems or whatever.” 

“I would _never_ judge you and no. Just no. That is not a good reason. Kid I don’t even care about my shit. It’s dumb shit. I have Stark Industry problems that aren’t even mine. Pepper deals with that. I will _always_ have time, and I will _always_ put you before me. You are my priority. You’re my kid. I want you to be happy and if you are then I am.” Tony tightened his grip the smallest bit. “And your problems aren’t dumb. Not at all. They matter, and you can’t just bottle it all up. You have to talk. It’s good to talk about things even if you don’t want to.” 

“Thank you. I love you, Mr. Stark.” Peter understood. He knew that Tony would always be there. He didn’t doubt it. He also knew that Tony loved him and that wouldn’t change. He would always offer help when he could and he would do everything in his power to make Peter feel better. It meant a lot. 

“I love you too kid.” Tony smiled and Peter did too. His was a lot smaller, but it was still there and that was what mattered. 

It only mattered for now, though. Things would get bad again. They always did. Peter would struggle and he would keep on wanting to stop living because that wasn’t something that fixed itself overnight. Maybe he’d even try to do something again. He didn’t know. He couldn’t tell the future. It was all a mystery and Peter could only hope that things would get better. He could only hope that he would be able to surface and finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you enjoy that? I mean probably not because it was real sad and Peter deserves happy and I'm not giving him that. I genuinely have no soul, so yeah. No actually I do. I just really like angst and yeah. Aha...:(
> 
> I don't know if we will ever see fluff again, but it's okay. I know you all love me and my depressing shit. You do. I k n o w it. 
> 
> Leave a like or comment!! Thanks for reading!


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